I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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