if only i could text you this smell
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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