You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
