Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
