my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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