My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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