Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
