he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
