your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
