Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
