Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
