So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
