I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
