My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize