Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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