Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The best revenge is premature balding
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
