please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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