She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
