you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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