I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
