My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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