How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
