I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize