I met the friendliest cop last night
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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