i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
