he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
