i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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