if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
