Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
