new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
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