found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I think I just shit out all my problems.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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