I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
