My nipple is on Facebook.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
