Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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