just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
