You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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