just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
