I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
