You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
