wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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