I wish I only lived at night.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
