I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize