Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
