I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
