Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
