My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
We named our party play list daddy issues
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
