Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
