Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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