If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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