Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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