My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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