I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
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