Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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