yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
