he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
