watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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