and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
