Don't make out with my wife yet
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
